The Beatles? The Rolling Stones? U2? Beach Boys?
They’re all pussies to be honest. They are far from “the greatest most awesome band in the history of the world” (TGMABITHOTW).
For a band to be considered TGMABITHOTW, you have to rock, and rock hard. Like 8.7 on Mohs hardness scale, hard. Like, head chopping, jaw dropping, accoustical assult on the senses hard. So that instantly eliminates the posuers like the Beatles, etc.
Beyond rocking hard, you also should have the following: bald German drummer, long haired european lead singer, quiet virtuoso lead guitar player who can play at Yngwie Malmsteen-esque rates, videos with flaming skulls, Molly Hatchet-esque album covers, and Christopher Lee doing narration.
There is one and only one band in the world who is even in the running for TGMABITHOTW, and that is RHAPSODY OF FIRE: Italyâ€™s Film Score Metal Champions.
My discovery of RHAPSODY OF FIRE (I have to write it in all caps to do them justice), was totally by accident, and I believe was partially guided by mystical powers, probably a wizard.
One saturday over a year ago I fell asleep in the afternoon watching TV. When I awoke, Tivo was playing some music video that I had never seen before from a band I had never heard of. They were at a castle, and there was a guy dressed as a king, and there was a skull on fire. It was playing on the Bravo channel, which I never watch. How Tivo knew to tune in this video is beyond me, but it did.
At the time, the band was called just Rhapsody, but due to trademark infringement, they had to change it. If you have to change your name, where do you go from Rhapsody? Duh. The same place you go when you’re at 10…..11.
Thus was born, RHAPSODY OF FIRE.
I strongly suggest you check out their myspace site. Also, their videos are available at Yahoo Music (but you have to use IE. Why they would require this at this day and age is beyond me. I suggest getting IE 7 now if you haven’t already). Read the text on their myspace site to get an idea just how awesome this group is:
In 1997 a holy thunder rolled through the international metal scene as RHAPSODY, the Italian metal band, released their debut album, ‘Legendary Tales’……Turilli is the band’s lyricist, as well as guitarist. His lyrics often refer to mystical lore from the medieval age and the heroic valor of those times, reminding us of the everlasting fight between good and evil……..On September 27, 2004, the world of metal changed forever with the worldwide release of RHAPSODY’S latest album, ‘Symphony of Enchanted Lands II – The Dark Secret.” Metal will never be the same.
Mike Judge should drag Bevis and Butthead out of retirement just to watch these videos.