Author: Gary

There is a lot I don’t write about on this blog. In particular, I don’t write about personal stuff. I’m not a guy that likes to share his feelings and the number of people I talk to about personal stuff is really, really small. In fact, it might just be zero. Moreover, when you write about personal stuff, you tend to come across as either a nutjob or an overly sensitive emo who is looking for pity and a hug. That’s not me.

However, I want to talk about something personal, because in a way its not too personal, and probably isn’t a big secret.

If I look back on my life (yeah, its one of these rants) at almost every period of my life I can look back at something I accomplished with pride. Something I can point to and say “yeah, I did that”. These things range from debate accomplishments, academic honors, becoming an Eagle Scout (yes, I am one), coaching accomplishments, business success, and even some (very) limited success in the area of personal relationships.

Much of the reason for whatever I have done comes from my personality type. I know what I am. My parents never went to college. I was the first in my family to go. I was told by my 8th grade teach that I’d never amount to anything (literally), and I remember her saying how good she was in debate. Much of my original reason to join debate had to do with giving her a big “Fuck you, I can do better than you ever did”. (And i did. I have never seen or spoken to her after the 8th grade)

When I started to work for myself, I was told by a lot of people, flat out, that I’d never make it. A big “Fuck you” to them too.

When I coached debate after college I put a lot of time into it. A LOT. I made like $6,000/year and put in more hours than a full time job. The team did well and I never once cared about the money or the time because we were winning. It was fun.

When I was in Boy Scouts, I even took that seriously. I was awarded the Vigil Honor, which is more prestigious than becoming an Eagle Scout (even though hardly anyone has heard of it).

When I was running CIS, I had a lot of fun, and I think most of the people that worked there did too.

Am I tooting my own horn? Perhaps. But the point I am trying to make is that everything I did I had a passion for. A passion almost to the exclusion of everything else. Fuck the world and damn the torpedoes type passion. Even if other people didn’t see it, I knew it and it was what drove me.

Its not just things I can point to as accomplishments either. My reading interests, the woman I’ve dated, music, almost everything has been driven by a passion for something, even if the passion is short lived.

In the last 5 years of my life, however, there isn’t much I can point to and say “yeah, I did that”. I’m living off past accomplishments, and I hate that. I really hate that. As good as my 20’s were, my 30’s have been most unimpressive. A failed business and a failed long term relationship. Nothing much else I can think of and can point to as an accomplishment. Nothing to be proud of.

Most of my problems stem from a lack of passion, or rather a lack of an outlet for passion.

I haven’t had a real date in about 5 years. The primary reason for that is I haven’t met anyone who I find interesting (and who is available. That last part always being the sticking point.). I’ve had business ideas, but so far I haven not had enough enthusiasm to pursue them. I decided to go back to school in part because science was something I had a passion for, but honestly I find much of the undergrad work that is required to be complete and total drudgery.

I am not a political person. I have my views and beliefs, but they are not held to such a passionate extent that I’m going to hit the streets or run for office. (In fact, most of my political views would prohibit me from hitting the streets).

I have no answers. I have no grand plan. I’m just throwing this out there. You could say I’m just pissing and moaning and you’d be right.

I’m in a funk, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

Your comments are welcome and appreciated.

*Proudly stolen from “The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats.

There is a reoccurring theme which I talk about on my site, and that is the difference between science and the humanities/social sciences. I’m currently taking courses in science (and in fact have not taken a single course outside of IT since I’ve been at the U) and have gotten previous degrees in two social science disciplines.

Tech Central Station has an article from a guy who is a self professed engineering dropout.

If you read his description of himself, it might remind you a lot of people you know, or even yourself. Rather bright people who, for whatever reason, just never grasped, or did well in courses in math and science.

I actually understand part of what this guy is saying. The intro physics and chem courses which I took had hundreds of students and had average grades for tests around 50%. There was certainly lots of busy work you had to do for class (and honestly, I still have lots of busy work. I’m writing up a lab for a class right now). However, the tests honestly weren’t hard if you understood what concept they were asking you about. I think that’s the difference between math/science classes and your social science/humanities classes. I could ask you a question about how the the Ribbentop/Molotov pact influenced the decision of Germany to go to war. You might not know what the Ribbentop/Molotov is, but you know what Germany is and you know of at least two wars they fought in. You can probably cobble together some sort of BS answer, which while it might not get a good score, its something. If you happened to be in class the day Ribbentop and Molotov were mentioned, you will be even better off in providing filler for your BS answer.

There is no problem solving in answering such a question. Its primarily opinion and testing the ability to put together a coherent argument (which I grant is a skill in and of itself). There is really no problem solving you ever encounter in the humanities/social sciences. That is the primary reason why its easier. (and it is easier)

The author also does make a valid point about bad teachers, but I think its a stretch to say they are all bad, or that most are bad or that they are unique to the hard sciences. Most of the professors I’ve had to date have been very good, and the reason I found them to be good was because they had a mastery of the subject being taught. I have yet to have a lecture course taught by a TA or a post-doc.

I do think this guy made a mistake in assuming that his high school grades meant anything in determining how well he would do in college level classes. I know lots of people who got A’s in high school who probably would be lost if they had to explain anything they had learned a week after the course was over. You can’t be spoofed and you can’t just regurgitate material.

In the end, I think this guy vastly over estimated his own intelligence and the freshman classes did thwa they were supposed to do…..weed people like him out.

Yesterday I reported on the Lagnley Schools Music Project. Its a recording made in 1977 in a Canadian Gym by grade school students.

I’m addicted to it. Everyone I let listen to it has caught the bug immediately.

I can’t explain it, but you must listen to this. You just must. If you don’t get it after listening to it, then you are beyond help.

The music is in no way professional. The recording is subpar. The instruments are nothing more than a guitar and some chimes. And yet…..I’ve listened to their version of God Only Knows over 100 times in the last day and purchased the entire album.

This is feel good music in the most literal sense of the word. You can’t listen to these kids sing “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers and not get a smile on your face.

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I also got a haircut on Sunday. It wasn’t just a haircut, but an Xtreme haircut. My hair is so short that I can barely pinch any between my thumb and forefinger. I would only slightly be exaggerating to say I have more hair on my face than on my head. The only reason I bring this up is because since I got this haircut, I’ve had a tremendous amount of energy and have been amazingly productive.

I should flesh out a theory of how hair is a manifestation of negative energy and try to become a guru and sell books. If you think about it, hair is dead. A full head of hair is a head of death. A bald head is a “life head”.

This idea just gets better as I write it.

Since I’m on an update tear, here is a list of the music I’ve been listening to this week:

• I Feel Love by The Blue Man Group w/ Annette Strean. I really like the video of this. She is adorable and has a great voice. I like Blue Man anyhow (I’ve seen them twice so far). Her facial expressions are the type I think every guy wants a woman to make.
• Dear Prudence by Siouxsie and the Banshees. I heard this on 89.3 in my car and purchased it on iTunes when I got home. I’ve almost driven it into the ground, but not quite.
• Us by Regina Spektor. I got this one from Halley. She reminds me a lot of a Tori Amos and/or Fiona Apple (Regina Spektor that is).
• Space Oddity by The Langley Schools Music Project. This is pretty F’d up right here. Its a bunch of Canadian grade school kids singing David Bowie’s Space Oddity. It was recorded in 1977. For whatever reason I was looking at the celebrity play list on iTunes for Elijah Wood and it was listed. Its wierd and addictive.
• God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. I also have a very of this by the above mentioned Langley Schools Music Project. I think it might be the sweetest song every written.
• Etude #2 by Luciano Supervielle. Phillip Glass’s private label Orange Mountain Music just released a CD of techno/ambient covers of his music. This is a version of Glass’s Etude #2, which might be my favorite piece of music of all time. Its a very subtle rendition insofar as I didn’t even know it was Etude #2 until about 45 seconds in.
• Pink & Blue by Outkast. There is been at least one song by Outkast in my current favorites playlist now for over a year.

In a world where you have instant access to almost every piece of music recorded, its difficult to find new things to listen to. The above list is pretty eclectic, as are the sources I got them from. I’m posting it just because it might take someone off on their own musical tanget if they take moment to listen.